It was 10:00 Monday morning when I wandered into school. I'd been sitting in my car since 8:00.
It was Jess's fault. I'd been thinking a lot about what happened and what it meant. I didn't realize how much, though, until two hours slipped away. As I opened my locker, I caught a glimpse of my chewed fingernails. I couldn't remember doing it.
In theory, I understand what it means to be gay. It isn't a complex idea: you're attracted to the same sex. Simple. What's surprisingly difficult is figuring out if it applies to you.
I never considered the possibility, and now I've been considering it so hard I feel like I might never again be attracted to anyone. I don't even know if I was attracted to anyone before. Is that why I was dating Paul? Why I made out with Jess? I think I've known them too long. I think there's too much history. I can't think about them on a purely physical or sexual level - their personalities are too entwined with the way I see them. I can't judge the degree of physical attraction without that playing into it.
I bought a stack of magazines on Sunday that are still stashed in my car: fashion magazines, men's and women's magazines, news magazines, music magazines, even a his and hers set of pornographic magazines. I spent hours looking at them Sunday, trying to make myself feel attracted to something on those pages. It didn't work, really. I ended up with a list of albums to buy, and I think I might have gotten turned on by a picture of a sports car. And if I ever decide to do it with a guy again, I have some great sex tips. But I didn't get anywhere with my experiment.
Here is what I know: two months ago, I was having sex with Paul. Three days ago, I was making out with Jess. Ten minutes after that, I was looking at Keith and thinking maybe.... But I discount that one. In that moment, after Jess, I think I would have thought that about anyone. Keith just happened to be the first person I saw. And I discount Jess for that matter - too many outside variables and no control. (That was either really profound or proof that four years of honors science has wrecked my brain.)
So I am left with Paul and six months of history and no idea what it means. I'm second guessing everything about us from why we got together to why we - to why I broke up with him. I'm even second guessing my second guessing, wondering if I'm really seeing what happened when I look back. I'm not happy with him at all right now; that makes for some inaccurate memories, or at least a disproportionate ratio of unhappy to happy memories.
I half want to start a new relationship just to figure this out. But somehow I don't think it works that way.
It was Jess's fault. I'd been thinking a lot about what happened and what it meant. I didn't realize how much, though, until two hours slipped away. As I opened my locker, I caught a glimpse of my chewed fingernails. I couldn't remember doing it.
In theory, I understand what it means to be gay. It isn't a complex idea: you're attracted to the same sex. Simple. What's surprisingly difficult is figuring out if it applies to you.
I never considered the possibility, and now I've been considering it so hard I feel like I might never again be attracted to anyone. I don't even know if I was attracted to anyone before. Is that why I was dating Paul? Why I made out with Jess? I think I've known them too long. I think there's too much history. I can't think about them on a purely physical or sexual level - their personalities are too entwined with the way I see them. I can't judge the degree of physical attraction without that playing into it.
I bought a stack of magazines on Sunday that are still stashed in my car: fashion magazines, men's and women's magazines, news magazines, music magazines, even a his and hers set of pornographic magazines. I spent hours looking at them Sunday, trying to make myself feel attracted to something on those pages. It didn't work, really. I ended up with a list of albums to buy, and I think I might have gotten turned on by a picture of a sports car. And if I ever decide to do it with a guy again, I have some great sex tips. But I didn't get anywhere with my experiment.
Here is what I know: two months ago, I was having sex with Paul. Three days ago, I was making out with Jess. Ten minutes after that, I was looking at Keith and thinking maybe.... But I discount that one. In that moment, after Jess, I think I would have thought that about anyone. Keith just happened to be the first person I saw. And I discount Jess for that matter - too many outside variables and no control. (That was either really profound or proof that four years of honors science has wrecked my brain.)
So I am left with Paul and six months of history and no idea what it means. I'm second guessing everything about us from why we got together to why we - to why I broke up with him. I'm even second guessing my second guessing, wondering if I'm really seeing what happened when I look back. I'm not happy with him at all right now; that makes for some inaccurate memories, or at least a disproportionate ratio of unhappy to happy memories.
I half want to start a new relationship just to figure this out. But somehow I don't think it works that way.
