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notsopeacefulI'm a -
And that's as far as I get. Whenever I'm near a mirror, I try to say it: I'm a lesbian. It's like I'm rehearsing a speech for English class and I keep getting stuck. I'm a lesbian. In the bathroom while I brush my teeth. In my bedroom when I'm getting dressed. In the car when I'm stopped at a light. I tried it in a store window while I was doing some Christmas shopping, thinking that less of my reflection would make it easier. I couldn't say it and I probably looked insane.
In a way, I guess I am practicing a speech. I have to tell other people after I tell myself. I try not to think about that when my mouth is full of toothpaste and I'm trying to get my words out. It's not that I'm scared to tell them - I'm just scared I could be wrong. How do you take something like that back?
I can say, sort of, "I'm gay." I kind of look away at the last second, but at least I don't freeze or choke or go mute. Maybe it's the indefinite article that makes it hard. A lesbian. I might as well be saying I'm a different species. I'm not "a" anything. Gay is just... a description, a part of a whole. A lesbian is a whole thing by itself - it sounds like everything else is secondary to that. And it's a stupid word and it's not me. But it's the thing I'm supposed to say, so I guess I'm just going to spend a long time stuttering in front of mirrors.
I'm getting awfully sick of my dumb face.
And that's as far as I get. Whenever I'm near a mirror, I try to say it: I'm a lesbian. It's like I'm rehearsing a speech for English class and I keep getting stuck. I'm a lesbian. In the bathroom while I brush my teeth. In my bedroom when I'm getting dressed. In the car when I'm stopped at a light. I tried it in a store window while I was doing some Christmas shopping, thinking that less of my reflection would make it easier. I couldn't say it and I probably looked insane.
In a way, I guess I am practicing a speech. I have to tell other people after I tell myself. I try not to think about that when my mouth is full of toothpaste and I'm trying to get my words out. It's not that I'm scared to tell them - I'm just scared I could be wrong. How do you take something like that back?
I can say, sort of, "I'm gay." I kind of look away at the last second, but at least I don't freeze or choke or go mute. Maybe it's the indefinite article that makes it hard. A lesbian. I might as well be saying I'm a different species. I'm not "a" anything. Gay is just... a description, a part of a whole. A lesbian is a whole thing by itself - it sounds like everything else is secondary to that. And it's a stupid word and it's not me. But it's the thing I'm supposed to say, so I guess I'm just going to spend a long time stuttering in front of mirrors.
I'm getting awfully sick of my dumb face.
